Hopefully tomorrow is better?

I feel like crap today. Like an emotional ball of yuck, and it seems that anything anyone says or does is going to send me on a downward spiral. I've almost broke down in tears twice today, once because my son thinks it's okay to call me fat. "Did you just eat Ramen? You're so fat mommy." Thanks, I already know this. For some reason I can't snap out of this negative attitude, so I thought maybe I should just make a list of everything that's bothering me at this very moment. I know there are a number of people that viewed my last blog, so I'm hoping you understand that I'm still not "all better" from what happened on the Friday before last. Here we go....

I'm fat...a gigantisaurus rex to be exact. It doesn't matter how many times I'm told I'm not, and that I'm proportionate, I still feel HUGE. I've been dealing with the weight issue for a while, I know all it takes is exercise and a good diet...I know this (I've lost over 60 pounds in 2 years), so shut the fuck up. Starting today I'll be working on the both of those things.

I have hid-e-ous stretchmarks. I don't hate the reason I got them, in fact I feel like I earned this road map I wear daily on my tummy. However, I would definitely give up one of my clubbed thumbs, okay maybe both of them, to fix my tummy and make it flat again.

I hate that people hate me. Especially those who don't even know me. Okay, I'm primarily talking about Andy's family. I fucking get it dude, but come on! Why can't you just get over yourselves and acknowledge that your son, your own flesh and blood, is HAPPY? Were you just expecting Andy to stay in an unhealthy relationship because of how it effects you? Neither his or my intent was to take your grandson away from you. No matter what he will always be your grandson. I pretty much give up on any hope that they will warm up to me...

I miss my best friend.

I need to find a job, and have been applying like crazy. I feel like I'm being lazy, even though Andy reassures me I'm not. I keep the house spotless and do all the other normal housewife duties. Oh, and I'm in school...can't forget that. The inability to find a job is eating at me because all I can think about is bills I have to pay. The car will be put into my name soon, that's $400/month. I'm not sure if Medicaid is going to go through. I desperately need it to, because 1)Pieter's dad is incapable of supporting his child and refuses to get a legit job that includes medical insurance and 2)pretty soon I'll be getting me ER medical bill from a week and half ago and I'm scared.

My miscarriage has been weighing heavily on my mind. I keep thinking of what I did that may have caused it. I went to a tractor pull and rode in a huge lifted truck that bounced like crazy. Maybe that's what did it? Or maybe I shouldn't have taken the walk by the water when it was so hot outside. I did feel a sharp cramp halfway through it, maybe I should have turned back. Who knows. All I know is, I sat in the waiting room of the ER and had my miscarriage in front of over 50 people who had no fucking clue it was happening. All they saw was a girl who had to use the restroom multiple times. I went in to the hospital thinking I was okay, and as I sat there the bleeding progressively got worse. Finally I had to ask a nurse for something to protect my clothing. Her response? "Oh yes, you're the pregnant one right?" My response, "Well, I'm not so sure about that anymore." I was hoping her hearing that would get me into a room faster, it didn't. That's ok though, I knew there was nothing they could do to stop it at that point...