Tired.

I'm both mentally and physically drained. We visited my parents in Florida for the 4th and it went by way too fast. Pieter and Nick had a great time, both got some great sleep and some awesome Swedish pancakes that I made. I didn't get to enjoy myself as much as I would have liked to. I didn't get much sleep and all I could do was think about how my parents will no longer be a 6 hour drive from me. I cried on the 4th of July on the way to get fireworks in Cocoa Beach. I wanted to blame Nick for my tears, but I couldn't so I just hid them as much as possible.

We set off $80 worth of fireworks in the front. Nick and I lit them all while my mom and Pieter watched. My dad and Alexis didn't seem interested and sat in the house. We set ours off early because the people behind my parents house put on a show every year. It was better than the show in Monterey by far. We had bits and pieces of fireworks dropping into the backyard. Unfortunately, I couldn't put Pieter down till about midnight because they were so damn loud. I was hoping to spend the last night in Florida talking with my mom, but Nick had mixed her a strong drink and she was in bed by 11:30. I was pretty upset about it.

I don't normally post about my feelings, but I think I'm going to start. Nick and I had a fight last night and I've decided I have anger issues. I take after my father in almost every aspect of my life. I can't calm down, little things piss me the fuck off...especially irritating people who say the word "want" every five seconds, money stresses me out to no end, and I hate showing affection. The only person I show affection to is my son. I don't want him to be like me or my dad.

Anyway, leaving was the hardest thing I've done in a while. My mom TRIED to not cry but she broke down because she knew I was going to. I hugged her and was reminded how short she was and just started sobbing. What most people don't realize is she was my only friend when I was in Florida for 6 months. I didn't hang out with anyone but her and Pieter. My dad was upset but instead of crying or giving me a real hug (he just gave me one of those pat on the back type hugs) he said, "Thanks! I just worked my ass off to get back to Monterey and now you guys are in South Carolina." I cried in the car, Pieter cried in the car, Nick drove and tried to console me. We drove to Alexis's work to say goodbye and she broke down when Pieter told her he wanted to go back to Grandma's house. We took Pieter to the bathroom and said our goodbyes to Alexis's co-workers. Pieter gave Alexis one last squeeze and then he started sobbing. He cried for a good 30 minutes begging Nick to go back to Grandma's.

I know it's not like we're never going to see them again, but it sucks! I want to be in Monterey. I want Pieter to grow up with his grandparents, because I didn't get to. I barely knew/know them. I'm hoping we can go back to CA soon. I don't think I can take much more of this state. It's too fucking hot, too fucking boring, and I'm just fucking over it.